I thought I’d update you all on how I was doing. To be honest, I’m not doing so well emotionally and mentally. I’ve been feeling depressed, like really depressed. I’m slowly starting to come out of it, which yay, but I have a long way to go.
I write this post because, I don’t want anyone to feel alone. If you or so one you know is going through a bout with depression, they or you are not alone. A part of me wasn’t sure if I should share the following information but I’m only doing this so that people can be made aware of how dark things can get and if this can help one person, I’ll be okay. I always try to be as vulnerable as possible and I never shy away from my troubles. I don’t want anyone to feel alone. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to suffer in silence.
I’ve been feeling really down and really alone and honestly, I know it’s a season of my chemical imbalance (Depression). I am experiencing a lot of life changes but I’m also just feeling like a failure. When you have depression, it’s not fun. I mean sure there are things that you can do to cope like therapy, lifestyle changes, and even medication. But sometimes, even with all that stuff, you feel down. It’s normal but well…it’s not fun at all.
What’s going on in my mind right now is feeling like a failure and like a waste of space. I’m not married. I don’t have it all together like with my career or even my living situation. I just want to have a permanent place to live, work at the same location for more than a year and have a partner in life at least. It’s easy to start comparing ourselves to others when we’re feeling really low about ourselves and compare was what I did! I would go on Instagram and see other people going on these vacations or loving going into work and having financial freedom to be at home with the baby if they want to and I’d see these women running their business and living in a home, an actual steady home and I’m like wow, will I ever have that? I’m only getting older and I don’t have my life together yet. I’m at an age where people have families or is thriving in their career or heck, people who even have an apartment. Like a basic place of living and I don’t even have that.
It was hard because I felt I had to conceal what I was feeling. People would compliment me on some things and I’d say thank you or I’d downplay it because well honestly I didn’t feel like I deserved any compliments. I didn’t want to die but at the same time, I had no desire to live. I was simply existing. I neglected myself to the point where I wasn’t showering, not brushing my teeth, my room was a mess and disaster, I just was living in an unhealthy environment that I was creating and I kept quiet about it. My usual outlet was to make a post on Instagram and this time I just didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want people to judge me so I decided to suffer in silence. No one knew what was going on until I finally broke down and told my bestie what was really going on with me and how bad things were. I just wanted to disappear.
What did I do to get myself out of it? Well I cried. I allowed myself to feel sad. I didn’t stop working out, which was a shocker to me because usually when I’m feeling depressed, thats one of the first things that go. We all know that working out is good for us when you’re depressed, exercise has its benefits like taking your mind off of things, doing something good for your body, and releasing endorphins.
I also had to work to remind myself to be grateful for what I had. Yeah, I don’t have an apartment by myself, but I wasn’t homeless. I was employed even if it wasn’t my dream career. My bills were paid. I had God in my corner. I have friends and people who loved me. I had all of that to be grateful for. Did it magically cure me? No but it did help a bit. I even took myself on a date! Anything to get me out of my funk.
I went to the Bible and read some scriptures that some people shared with me and I guess…just tried to get out of it. I prayed and prayed. This time around, eventually, I have relocated and I’m not alone. Like before I had no one around me. My friends lived out of town and it was just me and my cat so right now as I write this, I’m not alone in a city with no one. Things are starting to look up and I’m sure slowly over time, things will get better. I just try to take one day at a time and if you or someone you know is in a situation like this as well, give everything a day at a time. It’s not easy. Don’t give up.
You’re not alone. There is help. There is hope. Reach out to someone. If you don’t have anyone, reach out to me. You’re not in this fight alone. Don’t listen to the lies that our mind tells us.
If you’re thinking about suicide, dial 988 to the suicide helpline.