Yes! You heard that right; I am a self-published author. My book is out (click here to purchase) and it’s so crazy and mind blowing. Now I must apologize for being MIA for a while. It has been…quite an adventure for sure so I’ve been trying to just rest and reset which is really necessary for everyone in my opinion.
The week my book was coming out, I was so stressed out. I was scared of what my family would think. I was afraid that people would look at me different like in a negative way. Also, my crush could see it and I started freaking out about it. I just didn’t want him to see how obsessed I am over him and freak him out. I didn’t finish my revisions by the due date that I was given. I was trying to sneak and do it at work but it was legit the week that grades were due and students were hounding me about their grades. I didn’t have a break. I was stressed about updating their grades, being attentive to their needs and trying to sneak and find time to make the necessary changes to my manuscript.
Legit up until 11 on Thursday, the 11th, I was working on finishing formatting my book and getting the cover together. That night and the night before that, I would lay at night with my heart pacing. What was I thinking? Will my crush see this? What will people, my family think of me? What the fuck did I just do? My heart rate was higher than normal. Like I started to really freak out. Also, I was kind of bummed out because my paperback version of my book would be available until the week of the 14th, two days after my mom’s birthday. My kindle version was ready and available by the 12th so I wasn’t too sad. I moved my planned online book launch party from the Friday the 12th to the next day. However, a miracle happened: on the 12th, both f my books were available for purchase, the Kindle version and paperback version.
Now, the 12th was a teacher work day and I was pissed about it. It was legit the day before Spring Break and they actually had a full schedule of events for us. I suppose to be “nice” they let us off at 2 but it was pretty much a work day. I was so full of nerves and I didn’t have data on my phone so it wasn’t like I can check on if people were buying it. One of my teacher friends at the school did point out to EVERYONE that it was the day of my book release (I hadn’t mentioned it to them at all) and I was super bashful. I hate being the center of attention and I guess some of the others were shocked. They asked me about it but I got so uncomfortable that I just mumbled out something. I have to get over my shyness and do things that makes me uncomfortable. Its never a bad thing to improve on.
Anyway, when I got home, panic started to sink in. The doubt slowly crept through my mind. I tried to take a nice hot shower. Maybe read a book and watch some Discovery Plus. Anything to take my mind off of my book. Was I proud of myself? Yes but I was also still so afraid of what others might think. The only thing I did to announce my book release on Facebook was write a post with a link to where people could purchase it. EVERYONE was shocked. They sent me congrats. I got praises and likes and sweet comments. Everyone said something…except for my crush. I won’t lie, it messed me up. I got so in my head about it that I couldn’t enjoy the fact that I had just released a fucking book which was something that was on my bucket list. It was a lifelong dream of mine and I was hung up on the fact that my crush didn’t say anything to me (nor did he look at my snaps). I was disappointed in myself but I wasn’t surprised. Typical Lola smh. Focusing on a man instead of relishing the fact that I just published a fucking book.
Then I started to panic and wonder if I’d ever get married and have children. That’s legit such a huge dream of mine (besides writing a book obviously). My mind then went to feeling guilty for releasing my book on my mom’s birthday. I was putting myself through mental hell. I kept focusing on the lack in my life instead of looking around and feeling sorry for myself. Again, I had just released a book. I know I keep saying that but I needed to get it through my head. I released a book and instead focused on my lack of a relationship. I didn’t focus on everyone showing me support. I couldn’t focus on the praise I was getting. None of that. Don’t make that mistake.
Again, please do not let anything or anyone take away your joy. You should feel happy and proud of your accomplishments. You should shout it from the roof tops. Don’t let anything or anyone take your focus off of what you’ve done. If you made a huge jump and did something scary, that’s awesome. That’s bad ass. Like holy shit. If you want to do something, just do it. In the words of Jason Reynolds, “jump anyway”. You can’t wait until its the “right time” or when “you’re ready”. Not someday because it will never happen. Do it now. You can do hard things. Be grateful and proud of the work and effort you put in. Never stop grinding. Never stop hustling.
The devil will love to throw you off your tracks. Don’t fall for it. When obstacles come, it just means that you’re leveling up. When things get shaky, you adjust, That’s my issue. When things get shaky, for a day or two I’m thrown off my A game but then later on, I remember who the fuck I am and keep it pushing. I want you to do the same. Don’t focus on what you don’t have or everything that’s “wrong” in your life because that is a guaranteed way to NEVER be happy.
What is something that you’ve always wanted to do? What is something that you’ve recently accomplished? Let’s celebrate each other!