Miss Independent

Hey y’all!

I missed y’all last week. I was out of town and didn’t have a chance to post anything and the reason for me being out of town slightly has to do with this post. See, I moved to a new apartment and Karina and I parted ways (she moved in with her boyfriend) so I had to find a new place for me and Griffy (my cat). Last week we actually went to take some of her things to her new place in Tally (Tallahassee) and she let me bring Gryffindor which was really sweet of her so for most of the week, I was there helping her and her boyfriend set up and move in their new place and on Thursday we came back to Orlando so that I can bring the rest of my stuff to my new apartment and she can get her big furniture.

I’m honestly sad and afraid to be here in Orlando by myself but I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it. I mean I am an adult. It’s just really time for me to be independent and honestly, it scares me. I remember growing up, I couldn’t wait to become an adult. Make my own rules. Do what I want when I felt like it but then real life hit me and I was like oh hell no. I’m always worried about making enough money to have my bills paid. I’m always worried if I’m being too immature when problems arise. Like, being an adult ain’t easy let’s be honest.

When I first went away for school, I did not know how to pay bills (never had to worry about that) so when I had my prepaid phone, I was always running out of minutes. I never did my own laundry, so when I had to wash my clothes for the first time, I was so confused and honestly was kind of embarrassed to ask for help so I just tried to follow the instructions on the machine. I didn’t measure any detergent or anything like that and I think I left some whites in my load that turned pink. So here I was at like 19 years old trying to wash clothes by myself for the first time. I was honestly a lost naive girl at the time and it took me years to get to where I am now!

I remember when my grandparents cut me off financially. I was so hurt. I thought they didn’t care about me. I’m sure it was painful for them at the time but they did what was best for me. I laugh a little because when it happened, I felt like Whitley Gilbert in A Different World when her father cut her off (clip is shown on the post below). I legit was working two jobs to pay for a living and to help pay for my schooling because I ran out of financial aid. I had to figure out which I did. I won’t lie and say that sometimes I wasn’t salty at all the other students who received help from their parents. I’m still learning how to be financially literate and thank goodness for Nkem (Forthamasses) for helping get my life together financially because your girl needs all the help I can get lol and no she’s not paying my bills, she’s showing me how to budget. However, when I do fall on hard times, she and Karina have to drill it in me to let them help me because I hate seeming weak and helpless. When I usually ask my family for help with a bill here and there, they make me feel real bad about myself for even asking so I learned to just suffer in silence, which isn’t always helpful. When you have someone in your life willing to help you, let them but don’t drain them.

I used to hate to admit this about myself but I’m legit a co-dependent person. I get so attached to people and are so afraid of being by myself that I mean…it crippled me. Not gonna lie, my first intention when I moved here was to move all by myself and when Karina said she’d come with me, I did a little happy dance. I didn’t have to come here alone and be by myself. I’d have a friend with me and I’m forever grateful that she came with me my first year here. I feel like each year, I learn new and more things about myself. I had to tackle this terrible habit of mine of depending on others for my security and happiness.

I mean, I did it with a friend of mine growing up. Even though she talked mad shit about me, i didn’t want to lose our friendship so I sucked it up. First of all, no one should ever be treated like crap in a friendship and if someone looks down on you or talk about you behind your back, they’re not worth your time and energy. Anyway, I accepted it just so I can say I had a friend. When I went away for school and I was with my family up in Tally, I depended on them for everything kind of and well it’s not like I kept taking and taking from them. I gave what I could, even if it meant I had to be broke and set myself back. I was afraid of being alone and at the time, I took their piss poor treatment of me til one day I was like “Fuck it” and fell back from being with them.

Someone else I had to learn to not be so dependent on was my crush, Poke’Boy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pining over him but when we first started to get close, I felt like I depended on him for way too much emotional support and he wasn’t even my boyfriend, which isn’t healthy and I can understand why he had to distance himself from me from a while. While it did crush me and hurt me, I had to learn to depend on myself. I won’t lie, I felt hurt and scared and disappointed.Before he did what he did, I didn’t see how I was putting so much pressure on him and he’s the type of person who wants to help people at any chance that he gets. I really had to learn to do more things on my own. I mean, honestly, I’m actually scared to open up to him like I did before. It just scares me and I don’t want to lose him totally from my life. He’s way too important to me and I value our friendship.

Soon thereafter, Karina came in my life and I was trying not to you know depend so much on her emotionally. I hate burning bridges and well I just didn’t want to be that person who was seen as helpless. So I kind of put up a wall. Being the awesome person that she is, she saw through that and still would help me when she could but it’s not like she didn’t tell me to not “be a little bitch” (all in love don’t worry). I admire her with that. Her mom was kind of smothering her and she left and became her own person when she went away to school. Again, she’s a total badass and I admire that in her. To say that none of that rubbed off on me would be a lie, but I’m nowhere on her level of independent-ness. She and my other bestie (ironically both have the same birthday) have helped to nudge me on my way to independence. Now that Karina is gone, I’m on my own here in Orlando and I’m not gonna lie and say I’m okay. Hell, as I write this I’m near tears but I have to grow and change and gain even more independence. This is the only way. With my faith in God and the love from those close to me, I know I can do this!

I knew someone who had such a promising future (and I’m not saying that she’s a bum bitch. She’s actually not) and had these huge plans but there was a problem: her boyfriend. First of all, they got together when she was in high school and he was like 27, so there was that huge age gap. She went away for college and he followed. He got a great job and got them a nice apartment. She got pregnant but lost their baby unfortunately and well I can imagine the emotional hell that caused. When she finally graduated, he got a job out in California and she of course went with him. She got a part time job and he bought a car (it was in his name though). When she got pregnant, she stopped working and basically became a stay at home mom. So here she is, with a new baby, away from her family with no job and a boyfriend with mental issues. Some other stuff was going on with them that was just not healthy. One day, she found herself, homeless, with no car, and with her baby. To me, it was insane that her boyfriend had all that power over her and I refused to be in that position. No man should ever feel like he owns someone or like a woman HAS to depend on him. That’s trash!

Someone blamed my co-dependency on the fact that my mom died when I was little and that I’ve been feeling lost ever since. Personally, I can see why she’d think that but she was wrong. I’m just so afraid of being on my own. I’m afraid of failure, humiliation, and rejection. Again, these are things I’m currently working on in therapy so don’t you fret. If you’re feeling the same way, listen, your feelings are valid. Just like in one of my previous posts, I talked about change and how it’s important to grow and become a higher self.

I won’t lie, when Destiny’s Child came out with all those independent women songs, I resented them. I just figured you know, men were supposed to take control and be in charge with I still kinda believe in. I was raised with men as head of household so I still hold those views but make no mistake, that doesn’t mean be a doormat. The majority of the women in my family are like…they don’t need a man and if they have one then it’s on their terms and they’re not all that submissive and that’s okay. That’s their personality. Me? I’m more submissive but I’ve learned to not depend on a man for everything. He should have his own and should respect that you have your own. You should have a life that doesn’t revolve around him. He shouldn’t be your everything. After following so many boss babes and actually listening to what Beyonce was saying in her songs, I see the light.

You have to grow. It’s not pretty. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s real life and its scary but trust me, if you really try, you can do it. You can do what you want. It’s time to get out of your own way. It’s time for me to get out of my own way. Cara Alwill put up a post today on Instagram that stuck with me and it said “The only way forward is through self-forgiveness. You can’t evolve by sitting in guilt. Forgive yourself, raise your own bar, and try to meet each moment with love. Change cannot be rooted in self-loathing”. Don’t feel bad about where you are, if you’re willing to do the work and change. Again, I didn’t want to admit that I was a co-dependent person but in order for me to change, I take to take real hard look in the mirror and decide that I wanted better for myself. I’m not weak. I’m not helpless. I’m imperfect but that’s okay.