Yes you have read that correctly. I give up. What do I give up on? Love. I give up on finding love. I don’t believe it’s possible for me. It makes me sad that things have come to this but I just might as well give up hope of ever finding someone who will love me and want me. This hopeless hopeless romantic is well…hopeless. The dating world looks pretty bleak to be honest. I’ve recently went ahead and just deleted all my dating apps because, well what was the point?
Like literally my heart hurts as I write this. There’s nothing in this world that I want more of than a family: a husband and babies. Ever since I was young I would look at the JC Penny’s wedding dress catalog and pick out dresses I wanted. I used to love watching “A Wedding Story” on TLC back in the day. I used to love picking out venues for my future wedding and I’d just get excited for my wedding one day in the future.
When I was in high school, I used to try to have everything mapped out and I naively thought that when I got to college, I’d get a boyfriend. Then we’d get engaged two years after and then two years after that, get married and then two years after that, I’d have a family. What a dream world I was living in. I thought that if I went to college, guys would be interested in me. You see, I grew up with my friends getting in relationships or having dates, valentines, you name it. Me? Nothing. Nothing in middle school, high school, college…nothing. I was always the ugly mean friend. The girl with the bad teeth. I felt unwanted.
I still deal with feelings of being unwanted. The only attention I got were from those who can sense my low self-esteem 100 miles away and what did I think? Thats better than nothing. What a poorly misguided statement. I was so desperate to have someone who didn’t really want me. I just honestly wanted what other people had, even if they were in a might as well relationship. When I say “might as well”, its more like, “oh I have nothing better do I might as well go out with her” or “she’s not who I really want but hey I might as well”. I literally wanted one of those relationships. I was soooo wrong.
As mentioned plenty of times, I was raised around Jehovah’s Witnesses. They believe that we marry only in the world. You don’t date “just because”; you date in hopes of getting a marriage mate. Sex is only for people who are married. It’s not meant as a burden. It’s meant to protect us and to make sure we have a happy and successful marriage and family life. However, when I went to college, clearly, there weren’t any guys around me who believed in that. Casual sex and hookups were the norms. A lot dated just to have a good time (or for a free meal). I was surrounded by the total opposite of what I believed in. Even now, I find very very very few people who adhere to any of that, of those who are Witnesses.
I mean, do I have a crush? Is water wet? And yes it’s the same person I’ve been pining over for years, but I definitely doubt he notices me. Maybe I’m hideous. Maybe I’m too boring. I’m not exactly the life of the party. I’m just a simple girl who loves reading, loves books, loves to really chill: watch movies, travel, coffee shops, shop, and chill with my cat. I’ve also never had a boyfriend so I don’t know what goes into what it’s like to date or be in a relationship. I’m totally awkward and shy. I’m just a nerd…and not even a hot one. Not to mention my anxiety and depression. Who would want to deal with that? I remember praying to God to meet and be with someone who would love me and all of my crazy….still nothing yet and I highly doubt I’ll get what I prayed for. It truly breaks my heart, especially when I see couples or my friends who are in relationships talk about their person, its like wow, I want that too, even when they’re in arguments with their person.
It just sucks because people are always like, oh he’ll come when the time is right or it’ll happen when you least expect it well it’s been decades and it hasn’t happened yet! I’m getting older. I’m almost out of my prime baby making time. I haven’t even had one relationship. I really want to get married but life has showed me time and time again, I’m not worthy of a relationship. Even on the apps, barely anyone has taken an interest in me. I don’t know how to even talk to a guy and carry on a conversation! I’m hopeless!!
I guess the only romance I’ll get in my life is from the books I read and write (yes I’m working on two romance books). I just hate how lonely I am and how lonely my life is. Not everyone is blessed to be loved. If you have had relationships or is blessed to even be in one, consider yourself lucky. You don’t have to live a life of being alone and lonely. You don’t have to live a life a being unwanted. You don’t have to live a life of being hideous. I hope your Valentine’s Day is great y’all. Be blessed.
What real advice would you give to a hopeless hopeless romantic?