This blog has been on my heart for months to be honest and after hearing her testimony, it just broke my heart. I actually didn’t plan on writing this blog for today but you know, it was on my heart. I want to talk about this whole ordeal that she’s been going through. It’s not to tear her down or anything like that. This isn’t a malicious attack on her so if you’re looking for that, don’t come here. This is about the woman who is hurting deep inside and we need to all sit back and reflect over her experience and the experience of those with a mental illness.
I’ve always been a fan of hers. I remember when I was little people were talking about her “Baby, One More Time” video and how sexual she was and how big her boobs were and how inappropriate she was for younger listeners. I personally loved her music lol. I legit remember “remixing” her song to “Baby, One More Size” which was about her boobs (it was all in good fun and again folks…I was just a kid). The lyrics went a little something like: “my loneliness is killing me (and I)/I must confess, they’re triple D (triple D)” (which by the way, I have triple D boobs and they are not fun at all!). My favorite song on her debut album was “Born To Make You Happy” still to this day. Needless to say, I’m a fan.
I was so invested when her and Justin were together and when they broke up I was so sad. Things started unraveling for me with her when she started dating Kevin Federline. She was painted as a man stealing whore. When she had babies, she was painted as an unfit mother when her mental health was publicly on decline. That night when she attacked that photographer’s car with an umbrella after shaving her head, that broke my heart. On the surface it looks some mad person attacking someone for no reason. When honestly, he was being very rude and disrespectful to her and someone who’s already emotionally upset, how else do you expect them to act? Especially when provoked like she was? Her odd behavior was just likely her untreated Postpartum Depression manifesting.
I remember when I started following her a few years ago on Instagram. I was glad to see her in a healthy functioning relationship. To a blind eye, it might’ve seemed like she was living her best life. I mean it was great to see her in a great relationship, her dancing around and going on vacations. It was great to see her smiling a real smile. However, me being who I am noticed something different. I looked in her eyes and saw something vacant. I just knew in my heart that she wasn’t really okay. Some say your eyes are the window to your soul and boy oh boy in this case, they were correct.Now before you be like “stop judging her” I’m not. And in fact, my theory was correct when I listened to her testimony.
I expressed my concerns to a couple of friends of mine and I was told I was overreacting and I was looking too much into what they saw. They saw a woman living her best life doing yoga in her two piece. I saw a broken person inside crying out for help. I recognized the look in her eyes because it’s the same look in my eyes that I get sometimes when I’m barley hanging on. Real recognize real. In her testimony she expressed how she’s been lying to the public about being okay. She’s been crying everyday (and judging by the smudged eye liner in her pics/video on Instagram, clearly she cries a lot). She said she was hoping that one day she would believe her lie that she was okay.
Y’all listening to her testimony (and it listed below if you want to hear it) broke me. Immediately after I heard it, it took me a couple of hours to be okay. I’m sad for her. I’m angry for her. This should not be. No one should have to be told moment by moment what to do with his or her life. She wants to have a baby and she cannot because they will not let her take out her IUD in order to do that. That is just insane.
She was threatened many many times. She was abused by her therapist. Given unnecessary drugs because she wasn’t “cooperating” with what they wanted to do when all she wanted to do was take a break because she was working nonstop or because she didn’t want to do a dance move. That’s insane. Like that in itself was insance. They told her not to speak out about her experience. She isn’t even allowed to have her own lawyer. She called this conservatorship abusive. She just wants her life back. Also, it’s not like she’s saying she doesn’t need anytime of intervention at all. She’s stated that she does in fact need therapy and yes I think we can all agree on that!
The fact that her family has done nothing to help her boils my blood. Again I do want to preface this by saying that this is her perspective. This is her truth. We do not have the authority to tell her how she should feel. Her dad totally was gaslighting her by saying that he’s sorry to hear she’s unhappy with this arrangement. I’m pretty damn sure that the whole time for 13 years that she’s verbally stated that she’s unhappy just for it to fall on deaf ears. Her family has done interviews and she hasn’t been allowed to do one interview. To let the audience hear from her mouth the hell she’s been in. Her family has sat there and aided to her mental hell. Her family has lived off her money for so long and they just want to hold on to it.
It’s not fun to have your family gaslight you. To make you feel like you’re worst off than you are. To make you feel crazy and belittling what you are going through. When you express specifically what is wrong with you and what is bothering you only for them to be like, “no that’s not what’s wrong with you. It’s this”. Like, it’s annoying and damaging.
Again, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I don’t know what’s in her medical charts. I do know she does need some type of psychological help but it shouldn’t be to the point of where she doesn’t really have a life. Like if that’s the case, why isn’t she institutionalized? If it’s just that damn bad, why isn’t she in a psychiatric hospital long term? It’s not fair. She should have more freedom in her life. She should be free to get married and have babies if she want, just with some protective measures. She’s not a caged animal to be gawked at.
All in all, i’m just sad for her. My heart aches for her. This is no way to live. We don’t know what will happen with her moving forward but I will say that I am glad that she was able to publicly finally. If you have an hour to spare and if you haven’t seen it yet, check out the Framing Britney Spears documentary (posted below) and if you want to hear her truth, check out her audio from court (also posted below).
Next time you hear of someone hurting or struggling mentally or emotionally, treat them with kindness. Don’t judge what you don’t understand.