So as most of you know (or may not know if you’re new here…if so, hi), I am a hopeless hopeless romantic. There’s nothing I want more than to be settled and in a relationship. I’ve got wedding bells and babies on my brain and I’m not ashamed to admit that. What I am ashamed to admit is that…I’ve never had a boyfriend. Throughout my whole lifetime I’ve been on maybe two (or two and a half?) dates. Like that’s it. I hate that.
It’s tough when I see all these people around me getting married and having babies and getting in relationships and I can barely get anyone’s (poke’boy’s) attention. It’s a pretty lonely life that I have. Like what’s wrong with me that I can’t get into one fucking relationship? It has to be me because…it just has to. Everyone who knows me is probably sick of me complaining of my single status woes so I usually choose to just suffer in silence. I read romance books because it’s the only kind that I can get in my life and well…it’s pretty depressing.
I usually come home, get in bed and cry…alot. The older I get, the worst it seems. It’s never ending and I hate it. I just want to be a wife and give birth to a couple of babies. That’s legit not too much to ask, is it? I’ve tried the dating apps but…it’s either pay a bunch (and I mean a shit ton) of money to meet people you’re not attracted to or resort to world of free dating apps where there’s a lot of…people I’m either not attractive to or who will never go for anyone like me (btw I did talk about my experience on this post if you want to check it out). Others have met their person at work or at school. Hell, some have even met their person by chance while out with their friends or simply shopping.
What’s a girl to do when there’s a pandemic and you can’t really go places? And even if I did go places, its typically at work or Target or Publix. Those are the places you can most likely find me. My therapist suggested going to a coffee shop but…I don’t even know how to catch someone’s eye. The three guys that I did end up talking to on the dating apps…one was trying to get too serious too fast and played video games all day. The other just wanted pics of my boobs all the time even though I told him how I wasn’t comfortable with sharing those types of pics because someone betrayed my trust (I did end up sending him like two pics but I was so disappointed in myself that I just ignored him). Besides, that guy was living at home, getting high and drunk all the time and there’s def more to life than that. The last straw was someone who was 30 and I thought okay, he got his shit together….boy was I wrong. He ended up being a wanna be rapper who got high all the time. BTW all three I met on Hinge which is really disappointing.
One of my coworkers recently met her boyfriend on Hinge and I’m like…wtf. How did she get a good one and I keep attracting trash? All I want is a hot nerd who reads books and like coffee and Marvel, Harry Potter, and DC. Someone who’s a christian and doesn’t mind cats. I’m so over people who waste my time. I just feel super frustrated because I’m not getting any younger and I’m still single like it sucks. I would love to just wake up and go to a brunch date on like a Saturday.
I’m over people telling me to just be patient and it will happen when it’s supposed to…fuck that. I’m sick of this shit. I want a man. I’ve paid for courses to help me with interracial dating. I’ve bought books on how to get a guy and what to expect when dating interracially and…I want my man. My therapist always encourages me to get out there but I don’t know where to begin. It’s not like I go many places and when I do I’m so shy I don’t know how to converse or what to say. Again, how do I get a guy’s attention? Like, what do I do?
She’s encouraged me to give dating apps a serious try which I kind of have. it’s just a vicious cycle of tools and guys who only want to have sex with me or guys that I’m just not interested in. Then there’s also the issue of guys that I send likes to that never sends one in return. I know rejection is just a part of life but it sucks. Plus, I don’t handle rejection well (remember this post). When I like someone and I mean I really like them and I get rejected, I 9 times out of 10 want to die. When someone I don’t like rejects me, I just get sad and feel like a relationship will never happen.
So how did I end up speed dating online? Well, my therapist (and my aunt) encouraged me to find a group on meetup and maybe I’ll find someone I liked. The idea of meeting complete strangers and putting myself out there terrifies me but, yolo. She said that I had to get used to the idea of getting rejected. I first started getting used to rejection on Hinge which was a good first step in a way but now I was encouraged to go out and meet people with similar interest, hence using meetup.
During one of our sessions, we went through the group and I stumbled upon a singles group to join. We both agreed that it’ll be a great way to connect to meet people. So what I did next shocked everyone…I paid for a speed dating event (online of course because…covid). I paid the $20 for two months worth of speed dating events. How the even would work is you get an hour and a half and you have eight minutes each to video chat with each person. If you found someone you were interested in, you can request an extra five minutes to chat and/or connect after the event. After I made the payment, panic began to set in. What the fuck did I just do?Will anyone find me attractive? Will I meet anyone interesting? Anyone serious? Will I find anyone attractive? Will I meet my future husband and father of my children? I texted my two BFF’s and told them what I’ve done. Of course they said they were proud of me but I was mentally freaking out.
I panicked all week leading up to it and finally I called Karina because I just didn’t know what to do or say and she said something that was so simple and was like an aha moment: if I didn’t like it I can close the screen. I had the power and I was like….ahhhhh you’re right! So that took lots of pressure off…along with the reminder that I can’t put so much weight on this experience (i.e. stop telling yourself you’re meeting a husband on there)
So how did it go? I can safely say that I have survived. There were a lot of guys that were old or unattractive and I simply skipped the call. No need in wasting their time if I’m not interested. I did meet one person that I thought was interesting but he lives so far (tbh if he was interested in long distance I’d be down). By that Monday I told my therapist that I did speed dating and she was shocked and proud. Yes I did something out of my comfort zone. I can do (some) hard things. I didn’t die! I have weeks left to use so I may go on if I’m bored…who knows but…I currently feel like I’m back where I started. Waking up sad and depressed because I’m alone.
I pray I find my forever plus one. My soulmate. My life partner. My husband. The future father of my children. My person. Where is he? When will we meet? I’m so done and aggravated with being single its not even funny. I always thought that by now, I’d be married with three kids and a dog. Currently, it’s just me and my cat. It’s a lonely life I live. I’m just not sure how much of it I can take.
How do you deal with dating woes? Any advice for someone who fed up with her situation?