Impatiently Waiting

Hey y’all!

So something that I noticed about me that’s kind of funny but also not is that I can totally get impatient. Like I’m the type of person who will read the end of a book so that I can know how it will end before I read it from the beginning. Like I have to know how things end. By the way, I was shocked to learn that other people read that way also. Anyway, it’s super crazy because I legit had recently done a meditation vis Calm app and it was on openness. It felt like it was right on time because I’m at a point in my life where I have no idea what will happen next and that bothers me so much! It brought up the question: should we fear the unknown?

Its terrifying! Not knowing what will happen just freaks me out. Like thoughts are always running through my mind. Did I make the right decision? What should I do? Will I fail? Will I be able to get through this? WTF is happening? When God? The questions in my mind are endless. Sometimes I get super depressed or anxious because I don’t know what will be the outcome of my life. There’s so many things that I want to do. Also, I haven’t renewed my lease so I have to move. I don’t plan on staying at my current school because…fuck no. Again, I would really like to be in a relationship because I want a husband and kids (I mean check out my vision board. There’s a reason why there’s mostly relationship stuff on it). I just don’t know what will happen in the future.

I have to know everything. It’s an annoying trait of mine. I love being able to plan things out in life even though life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go. Maybe it’s a small sense of control is what I want to feel. Everything as to be planned out. Everything has to go a certain way and if it doesn’t, I lose it. Actually, I don’t lose it really (in fact I’m getting better each day because of therapy). There are some aspects of life that I wish I had the answer to. I want to get married and have babies. It got so bad, that I went against God and saw a psychic not once but twice. My conscience has always haunted me because of it. Hence why I’m kinda going crazy over manifesting the life that I want. Gotta get married (I’m looking at you Poke’boy) and have babies. I literally wake up sad every weekend because I wake up in my bed alone (besides my cat Gryffindor) and I don’t know. It seems like everyone around me is in a relationship. It’s so hard to meet people nowadays (thanks COVID).

Photo by Andre Furtado on

Life happens. Changes happen. It’s all a part of life. We can’t control every second of our life. Which is why when unexpected deaths happens shock us…because it’s unexpected. There’s no need to live your life in fear. There’s no need for that. We just need to let it be. Live and let God as the saying goes. We shouldn’t get too attached to outcomes because that’s when troubles happen. The unease we feel is just not worth the stress. It’s just so weird because I guess the universe is just sending me this reminder over and over again because I tend to get stuck on the outcome. I always want things to happen perfectly and I want life to go my way when life doesn’t work like that. Just take things a day at a time. They Bible tells us to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will have it’s own troubles.

We can look at the unknown as a good thing. When we overcome our fear of the unknown, we grow as a person. We learn how brave we can be. We learn our true and maybe even hidden potential. On the other side of embracing the unknown, we can feel empowered. The choice at the end of the day is this: either enjoy the ride of life and be open to whatever happens or we can choose to be crippled by fear and stay stagnant. We can be in a piss poor mood or we can embrace the unknown. I know for me, it’s gonna take me day by day and constant reminder that things will happen the way they should.

I leave you with the same question I was asked on the Calm app after my meditation: what will you give yourself the permission to be uncertain of?

Quote I saw on Instagram




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