I hope you have enjoyed my last post with my guest blogger Audrey. I love her and hopefully you love her as much as I do. If you’re interested in taking her classes, reach out to her on Instagram. Also, just follow her because she’s a badass babe!
Anyway, this past Sunday was Valentine’s Day and well…it’s a day that I absolutely hate! I am working on myself and I want to make sure that I am whole before I get into a relationship (although, if Poke’Boy wanted to make it official with me like tomorrow, I’d be down with that). Even though I am working on myself, I’m still deep inside a hopeless romantic. I still want nothing more than to be a wife and a mom. Like I just want a family like yesterday. So needless to say, I woke up in my feelings. I was really down about not being in a relationship.
I was already having a tough week at work and by Friday, I was just a mess. Actually, for some months now, on the weekends when I wake up in the morning, I start feeling really sad because well…I’m alone and not in a relationship. So yes, I’m single af and hating every minute of it. I yearn to wake up and be surrounded by either a family or a boyfriend instead of only Gryffindor (my cat). Anyway, this Saturday was no different. I woke up so sad and I just wanted to cry. Here it is, yet another Valentine’s Day and I’m alone. I cried and cried and cried. I eventually forced myself to pick up my groceries from Publix. I just didn’t want to risk going into the store and seeing all those flowers and decorations and the constant reminder that I’m single and did not have a valentine. Whoa is fucking me!
I couldn’t just stay in I picked up my groceries and it did kinda feel nice to get out of my apartment even if it was for 15 minutes. When I got back home, I only had time to drop off my groceries and grab my cat and take him to his appointment. Now earlier that day, it was real wet and gloomy out but by noon, the sun started coming out and it slightly brightened my mood. When I got home I decided to just stay in bed and start eating my snacks that I bought for Valentine’s Day (cheese and prosciutto). I also, opened up a new book that I’m reading and just decided to NOT sit in silence in bed. See, the previous weekend, I spent the weekend not eating, not watching tv or reading. I just laid in silence in bed. When it got dark I just laid in the dark. I just hated life.
So instead of just laying in bed in total silence, I read a book and made the decision to stay off of social media (besides my schedule posts) for the weekend. I just didn’t want to torment myself with looking at couples being all in love or making couples posts and stuff like that. I didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of despair. And so thats what I did on Saturday; I stayed in bed and with my tv on for some background noise as I read my book. The next day, I was in so much emotional pain. It dawned on me that I really really did not have a Valentine.
Again, I know it’s not going to kill me and just maybe I am being a bit…dramatic. But the pain and hurt that I felt was still just a lot to deal with. If you’re new here, hi. I’m Lola and I’ve never been in a relationship. Not one. Not ever. I never had a valentine. Not one. Not ever. I’ve never had a guy tell me I’m beautiful or show real interest in me. For the only situations I’ve been in, it was an asshole who can smell the low self worth on me and decided to take advantage of the situation. I know now what treatment I deserve and that I should be adored.
But anyway, I woke up feeling depressed as hell. I was crying. It was on Sunday so I had to watch the Kingdom Hall service (or church) via zoom. The topic was pretty on time. The talk (or sermon) was on the anxieties of this world and how we should turn to God for it because he cares for us. So after service, I prayed. I prayed and cried and prayed that God to help me with my singleness and emotions about it. I read an article which was really nice. I mean, I still would rather be in a relationship but it did help. I did a little bit of weight alleviate off my shoulders.
I was still sad so I popped on the Girl On Fire Collective (Cara Alwill’s mastermind group) to watch the latest mastermind video. It was an amazing video. She had a guest speaker, Star Monroe, and she was AMAZING! She was talking about our chakras and the power of the p*** (which you know what, I’m gonna start looking into) and how to own our labels. She used the example of herself and how she (or maybe it was Cara)was labeled as difficult to love and how she will use it in a good way. To maybe break down those walls but learn to be a bit more vulnerable or just accept herself for what she is. Basically how to take the constructive feedback from others and how to make it work for us. For example, if someone were to say “oh you’re just so extra” okay. We can see it as a negative or we can own it about ourselves and see how we can make our need to be extra work for us. I actually want to start learning more about chakras. Seems like some interesting woo woo things (and you know how I love things that are woo woo).
I also listened to Sarah Ordo’s latest podcast episode and on it she talked about giving ourselves grace. She talked about how she needed to give herself grace with her feelings about being pregnant and if she wanted to do it again even though her husband and she wants more kids. She spoke about how we need to forgive ourselves for our feelings. Which for me, I tend to beat up on myself a lot! And if that’s something that you struggle with, just know that it’s okay. Give yourself some grace. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are all totally valid. We’re all human and it’s okay to have these thoughts and feelings.
After that, I sat down and decided to write out 14 things that I was grateful that love brought into my life. As I was writing everything that I was grateful for, I really started to feel better. It’s like sitting down and actually reflecting on all the things that I have going on and what I’m grateful for has truly been a game changer for me. It allows us to not focus on what we lack in life but rather, focus on all the blessings we have whether they are big or small. If you’re struggling with something or if you’re feeling down about your life or situation, write down what you’re grateful for. It can be as little as three things. Start small and soon you’ll just start to see more and more things to be grateful for. If we only focus on what’s wrong in our lives or what we’re lacking, our mood will never be great. We’ll be super pessimistic. And that’s definitely not a good look.
I decided to watch the third installment of the To All the Boys I’ve Ever Loved: Always and Forever. At first, I didn’t want to watch it. I thought it would just rub in my face that I was single and had no one. I now realize that was my head and my heart getting the best of me. My therapist suggested that I watch movies I love and I told her I would, but when the day came, I couldn’t do it. I knew in my heart I couldn’t do it. However, as the day went on, I decided to go ahead and try to watch it and I loved the movie and I was touched by it. i survived lol. See, you can do hard things! Don’t let your head talk you out of something you really enjoy.
All in all, I survived yet another Valentine’s Day single af. Were there tears? Definitely. But I didn’t wallow in my sorrows. I decided to just try to do things to lift my mood. I challenge you to do the same! Pray. Reach out to a friend or therapist. Treat yourself to some self-care. If you want to buy yourself a little something go ahead, although you don’t have to spend money to show yourself some self-care. Think about those who lift you up and write down things that you’re grateful for. Your problems may or may not go away, but you’ll be able to push through and endure.
BTW, I wished Poke’Boy a very happy Valentine’s Day and that may or may not have had something to do with my elevated mood as well lol.