Recently I went out of town for Thanksgiving and it was honestly really refreshing for my soul. We danced and sang and played games. We ate good food and watched movies together. Hell, we even went Black Friday shopping which was a first for me! I came back feeling so well rested and full of love. But then something started to creep in and put a damper on my joy…I started to feel sorrow. Please allow me to explain.
First of all let me start with this disclaimer: I did not have a terrible childhood. I wasn’t abused or anything like that. They (my family) wasn’t all that affectionate and didn’t say “I love you”. Hell, my grandparents didn’t really show emotion to each other. It wasn’t until I went to college that I started hearing the words “I love you” and actually get hugs from my cousins in Tallahassee. It was something I craved, hell I still crave affection. If I felt sad, those emotions weren’t dealt with. Hell the most my grandparents did was send me to therapy because I wasn’t open with them. We never discussed our feelings and if I was feeling down and depressed, I got yelled at and told to just keep busy and I won’t be sad anymore. I was never told I was beautiful or nothing like that. So technically, I was taken care of physically. Emotionally? Nope.
Karina’s family is so open and loving. They expressed love and laughter is an everyday occurrence. I love how they just welcomed me with open arms and have literally fed me and opened their doors to me. Her mom said that “we’re family”. I almost cried when she told me that. Her mom gives the best hugs and I love how they accept Karina for who she is and they celebrate every little thing that she does (of course this is me on the outside looking in). Even though her mom has high expectations and she and Karina butt heads, she still accepts her for who she is and they accept their (Karina and her brother) friends and significant others. They love to party and have a good time, since the blast I had on thanksgiving break.
It made me feel so sad that I didn’t have that growing up. Yeah I went to Disney and Universal and they provided for me financially and gave me a comfortable lifestyle, that emotional need that I had was neglected. I can’t be too upset because well thats how my grandma was raised. They didn’t show affection in her family when she was growing up and it seems like they did things out of necessity and that I should’ve been grateful that I was with them and not in the system. My grandpa did what he could but we didn’t spend a lot of time together as a family.
I low-key feel angry because I don’t have my mom. I don’t have parents. I wish that my family would accept me as I see other parents or families do for their family members. There’s always been a emotional disconnect between us and while my aunt and grandmother are trying to do better, it still hurts that they’re not open and affectionate. All I can do is just accept the fact that they will never be able to give me the emotional support I need. I know that they love me but it’s not always displayed with affection. I have to accept where they and who they are and keep it pushing.
One thing that this has taught me was that I want to do better for my future children and family. I want to give my loved ones so many hugs and kisses. I will try to be there for their emotional needs.There is a small part of me that mourns the lack of affection and acceptance that I didn’t have growing up. I accept the fact that even though my family may not be able to give me what I need and what I crave, I have others in my life who will and that’s fine for me.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, do better for the future. Give the love you wish you had growing up with those close to you in your life. We can’t change people, they have to want to do that for themselves. All you can do is focus on bettering your life. Be who you needed when you were younger.
This post was pretty short and to the point. I just want you to honestly focus on how blessed you are and that just because one area in your life sucked, you can focus on the good and take what you lacked and give that to others.