Nessa D

Hey y’all!

Do you believe that people can change? I sure as hell do! It’s just a part of life. Is it fun or easy? Well  I don’t know about you but to me, it’s not easy. Its nerve wrecking actually to me. But it is a part of life. For example, are you the same person you were when you were eight? Or 15? How about 20? Hell, are you the same person you were last month, last week or yesterday? Changes happen, we just need to roll with the punches. Our lives can change in many ways and they can better our lives or make them worst.

Me personally, I hate change (shocker lol). But it’s true. I know in order for me to grow I have to continue to make certain changes in my life but I hate it. It’s scary! I hate the unknown and it’s personally very frightening to me to make the necessary changes in my life to grow as a person. I’m literally that person who reads the last chapter of books first so that I can go back to the beginning and read to see how things progress to that point in the story. When I was younger and I went away to college, it was a huge adjustment because you know I was “on my own” and boy was it a huge lesson for me. I had to learn to be more responsible and do things for myself. Were there bumps along the way? Absolutely!

Another time things changed (which actually things changed a lot for me but I’m just mentioning major milestones) is when I moved away for my job. I was actually starting my career in a new city. Pretty scary to me! It’s a change I wanted for so long but when it actually came time to actually go forward with it, I was terrified! When I left for college that was one thing. I mean I had family in Tallahassee and I’ve been up there basically all my life when I’d go there to visit on breaks. But for me to come to a new city and LIVE and actually begin my new life here was scary. Yes I had a friend come with me, but still. This was a new beginning. Then I changed schools in the middle of the year then we changed and went from teaching face to face to online…it was a lot! Plus dealing with depression and a death in the family…the list goes on and on.

One of the changes that we make is in our lifestyle choices. Some of us may be sober and making adjustments to stop drinking or using drugs. That’s a huge adjustment and can be scary. For instance, would you need to stop going to places you used to frequent or stop hanging out with the same people you hung out with (more on this later because this is a biggie)? Will you have to find healthier coping mechanisms? Or get counseling? Another lifestyle change you may make is with your faith and your walk with God. For those who are born again christians or even Jehovah’s Witnesses, you have to make some big lifestyle changes. For instance, there’s no sex before marriage so you have to take precautions to make sure you’re not tempted, you can’t get drunk or party how you used to, no cursing, and if you’re a Witness, there’s no celebrating birthdays and holidays. Again, those are major lifestyle choices. Are those changes easy? No. That’s why its called a lifestyle change. You have to change what you were so accustomed to doing to now do something else.

Life can bring some pretty big changes our way. Especially as we get older, things start to shift for us. What was once important to us may need to take a back seat or they even may need to be let go. One of my best friends is married and is having a baby and she never thought her life would’ve been where it is now. She owns a home and is in her career. Her life brought about a huge transition for her and at times, its scary! When you have life changes like that, you can’t hangout with your friends like you used to. If you’re a parent or a caregiver, you can live life like how you used to. What you do (actually this is for anyone in general), your actions, affect not only you but your loved ones or your children. Whether you’re ready for it or not, some pretty hefty changes come your way.

As mentioned above, you may have to make some changes in your friendships. Whether you can’t hang out with someone the way you used to or if priorities change for you, you may lose some friendships and its okay. It’s hard and it sucks at the time but it’s okay.One of my favorite women to follow, Cara Alwill, had a quote on Instagram that resonated with me. It said “you can’t live your best life with those who haven’t taken ownership of theirs. Be choosy with the people you allow into your world. Protect your energy, it’s your most valuable asset”. Don’t feel bad that some people had to get left behind on your journey called life. I’m not saying drop everyone like a bad habit, no. But if people are holding you back from rising to your truest potential, it’s not a good look. Does this mean that all of your friends have to do the exact same you do and live the exact same way you do? No! In fact our differences is what makes us great. The love between us is what helps us see our differences and embrace them.

It’s okay for you to decide that you don’t want to go to a party or hang out with people who don’t give you good vibes. If someone calls you or texts you and you see their name pop up across your screen and you roll your eyes? You probably need to re-evaluate your association with them. I had to do that with my social media accounts. If I wasn’t feeling what someone was posting or if I felt like it was some real immature stuff or stuff that wasn’t helping me to grow, I simply either unfollowed the person or I removed the person from my friend group all together. I don’t want to follow someone whose always angry about something or wants to talk about only one thing all or time or just posting some lame memes. I want to feel challenged when I go on my social media feed. I want to see inspirational shit. I want to be educated and follow someone with substance. Same thing with phone conversations. If you don’t feel like talking, you don’t feel like talking and just because you’re “not busy” doesn’t give others the right to volunteer your time with them. That’s why I try to make it so that I ask someone if they’re not only available but emotionally available because it takes a toll on a person emotional to be at your beck and call. Limit your time with people who can’t respect your boundaries.

One more change that I’ll discuss is one of a mindset change. People usually have those when they’re bettering their lives or leveling up. And here’s an FYI, if people get mad at you for bettering yourself, those are not your people. Go where you are celebrated and not tolerated.Anyway, changing your mindset is just great. It’s a major glow up if you ask me. For example, I know for me personally, I’m in therapy to help me deal with my depression and anxiety. My therapist loves to give me “homework” that makes me challenge my normal way of dealing with things and how to change my negative self talk. I’m working on my self-esteem. I’m learning how to change my view of money. I’m learning how to change my view of people who don’t live or look like me.

I talk about Cara a lot but she really has made me view myself as someone who has the potential to do great things. Reading personal development books, listening to certain podcasts and surrounding myself with women who are doing big and great things has challenged how I view myself and has contributed to the changes I’ve had in my life. Another one of Cara’s quotes (I’m giving y’all two of them today lol) is “…you can change your mind. At any time. About anything. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation”. It’s okay to learn some things that can change your point of view. You’re allowed that and don’t let people guilt you because of it.

You have to be open to change. Either accept it (like I do even if I’m kicking and screaming internally) or not accept it but it’s gonna happen. Whether you like it or not. There are some people who are so afraid of change that they become stunted mentally and emotionally and that’s not a good look. I’m not the same person I was last year or five or 10 years ago and that’s okay. Fuck that. It’s great! It means I grew and thats what’s important. Like the song “Changes” by David Bowie says “time may change me but I can’t change time”.

XOXO,

LolaDasher