As you may or may not have noticed, I love love. I’m a hopeless romantic and it is my dream, hope, and goal to get married and have some babies. Every year that passes with my being single honestly sucks. I know, you’re probably like, stop being dramatic girl. But it’s true! It sucks. I want to be in a relationship. My journey in romance (or lack there of) started….in high school? I don’t know. I’ve always had crushes, then those crushes never liked me back. I’m not kidding. Obviously, I drew to the conclusion that it was me and not them. Not sure if it contributed to my lack of confidence but I’m pretty sure it played a big part in it.
I thought things would change once I got to college. It was legit my goal of dating at 18, engaged by 20, married by 22 and have a baby by 24 (let’s all laugh) and things just didn’t happen that way. Not even close. I was 19 when I even had my first kiss. 23 (I believe?) when I lost my virginity. No relationship in any of these cases. One guy even told me that no matter what happened between us, he will never make me his girlfriend (smart me would’ve been like boy bye but that was broken me then). I began to believe that I just wasn’t the girlfriend type. I believed that I was the type that you hide and just used for sexual pleasure (not a good look). But deep down inside, I longed for a forever love (still do in fact!).
You may be thinking, hey! What about Poke’Boy? Well, I am secretly in love with him but I’m so afraid of being rejected that I just haven’t said anything to him. What if he don’t feel the same way about me? I would’ve ruined the friendship and been heartbroken to the point of where I’d shut down and I do not want to shut down. I’m not kidding: I actually shut down when I’m rejected by my lack of love. I neglect myself. I basically wish that I could like die. It gets really bad. I’m not really wanting to risk that so I keep my feelings to myself and pine for him from a distance. Obviously, that’s not a healthy way to deal with things and it’s part of the reason of why I’m in therapy right now.
Speaking of therapy, I’m actually kind of shocked at the advice I’ve gotten so far. I expected my therapist to tell me not to date and to work on myself first. However, she’s encouraged me to go on dating sites as I continue to work on myself. She knows how bad I want to be married and to have a family and I really appreciate that. Anyway, since we’re all pretty much in quarantine (even though some places like here in Florida began to open prematurely) she suggested that I try a dating site instead. Now, one of my friends suggested I give Hinge a try since thats where she met her then boyfriend so I said sure! I downloaded the app and kind of had it sitting there until January of this year.
I’ll be honest. It’s hard. While I’m not in the same headspace as I was before, I still feel really unattractive and I feel like no guy would ever really like or want me (again, I’m working on this in therapy now). I want to view myself as worthy of love and affection. But sometimes, I wonder what do you do when you’re a hopeless romantic who feels like things are hopeless for you? One of the first things I did when I began to delve into dating sites was to actually write down what I wanted in a guy! I read somewhere that it can help manifest the type of relationship that you want.
I started by writing down the qualities of the type of man that I wanted. I have enough experience to know who and what I don’t want in a relationship so writing down the things that really mattered to me was actually kind of fun! I looked at social media (which I know, people only put out the positive stuff and not the negative) but I saw certain qualities in a couple of guys that I know for in fact what I want in a husband. I also added looks to my list as well because well let’s be honest, I have to find him attractive. That may seem a bit shallow but let’s be honest, you want to have the partner of your dreams, right?
Since I was already on Hinge, my therapist suggested that I try eHarmony or Match out. She suggested that since people have to pay to be on these sites, that they’ll take it much more serious than someone who was on a free app, which I do agree it. I’m after a husband and want a marriage, not a random hookup.eHarmony claims to produce a lot more marriages than other sites (it’s also more expensive). I have actually paid to have an eHarmony account but I’ve unfortunately had to cancel it because well, it’s expensive and with my summer time paychecks for work, that’s something that I can afford right now. All three sites have “free” aspects to them but of course if you really want to utilize what it has to offer, you have to pay!
This app says that it’s designed to be deleted. With my experience, I met like three guys so far that I’ve talked to and went on one date with a guy I met on there. The one I went on a date way, like I’m sure he’s a nice guy but he’s not what I want and he kept saying things that he thought I wanted to hear but I just didn’t. The guy after him was kind of childish to me and wasn’t dependent enough and I don’t know, that just bothered me. The one I’m talking to now…is meh if I’m being honest. I’ve told him what I wanted and what I was comfortable with and uncomfortable and that literally went in one ear and out the other, which is annoying. If I’m not comfortable sending nudes then I’m not comfortable with that. Needless to say, I’m using the free version of the app. The premium membership is between $5-$10 a month and I don’t know if its worth it. Granted, since I’m on the free version, there’s probably more guys on there for hookups than the paid one. That is something to consider. For now, I’m just using it honestly now to basically practice talking to guys and getting more comfortable conversing with guys.
Since this site boast so much about marriages, you can guess which one I paid for. To start on the platform, you can sign up for free but to actually like really look at your matches and message with people, you have to pay, which kind of sucks but I guess you want a marriage mate so if you want it bad enough you’ll pay for it. When you sign up, you have to do this lengthy survey in the beginning and it’s best that you answer them honestly because that way, you’re more likely to be matched with those who you’re more compatible with. One of the things I was excited about were the options to narrow down who you’re looking for (in my case its the race thing I was happy about) but then when it came down to what the physical body was, it sucked. There were a lot of guys that looks wise sucked. One guy was even in his hospital gown and had a breathing tube in his profile pic. I guess I wasn’t the only one who was bothered by that aspect because I looked online and some women complained about that but the site clapped back by saying its more about compatibility than looks. Which I agree with to a certain point. Like if I’m athletic and I want a more athletic type build of a person, I don’t want to see a bunch of out of shape guys (that example is one I saw as a complaint from one of the ladies who were upset about the site with that). Since I signed up for the yearly subscription, it cost $50 for every three months. I’ve since canceled because I don’t get paid that much over the summer. Maybe later on once things get stable for me again (like when the new school year starts) I’ll think about signing up again.
My therapist suggested this one because one of her friends met her current boyfriend on Match and that I should give it a try. You don’t have to do the whole survey thing so in the aspect of compatibility, it’s more up in the air. You can sign up for free but if you want to actually utilize the perks, like messaging and seeing who likes you, you have to pay. I believe I’ve seen more attractive guys on Match but then again, I can’t see who likes my profile which really sucks. Whereas eHarmony talks about the marriages it produced, Match only boast about relationships that get started, not necessarily the marriages. The price for match, at least what they offered me, was $18 a month for a yearly subscription to the site. It’s just really annoying that in order to talk to someone, you have to pay.
All in all, I’m not entirely sure how successful online dating is. I mean, like I said, maybe in September I’ll pay for a subscription to one of these sites, but for now, I’ll use Hinge and maybe continue to pine for Poke’Boy (I just love him so much). I pray to meet a man like the one that I’ve written down in my list. It will take lots of patience and lots of work on myself mentally and I just pray that God provides me with a husband and children. Do I feel really lonely right now? Of course! I’m just not one of those girls who love tho bask in their singleness. I think being single sucks honestly. It could be because I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend so maybe if I had experience then I’d probably be singing a different tune.
Have you met anyone online or via a dating app? What was your experience?