Today was a pretty hard day for me. It’s Mother’s Day and as someone who lost her mother, and at a very young age, it’s tough. I was actually okay until I went on Instagram and started seeing people post tributes to their mothers. I quickly logged off and did the only thing I knew to do next: text a friend of mine in the same situation. I texted her and asked if she was okay to which she said she was okay until last night. We both discussed how we feel angry and how it’s unfair that we don’t have our mothers alive and with us. I did my best to stay off of social media for the rest of the day!
I remember a couple of weeks ago, I listened to the song “Death Bed” by Powfu and how out of nowhere tears started flowing from my eyes. I couldn’t stop. I prayed to God and told him about how its not fair that she’s not here and that I was angry. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming Jehovah for anything. Its just the world that we live in and I’m mad that the guy that she trusted was the one who caused her to eventually lose her life. I know in my heart, one day we’ll all be on a paradise earth but still while things are the way they are now, it sucks ass. It hurts. I’m never gonna go wedding dress shopping with her. She will never meet her grandchildren. On my hard days when I want her to just wrap her arms around me and tell me things will be okay and that will literally never happen. I wish she was there when I went to prom. I wish she was there when I graduated high school and college. She never got to teach me how to drive. Apparently, when she knew of her demise, she expressed those same feelings with a family remember, before she died. How heartbreaking is that? She’s gone. All I have of her are memories people share with me of her. That sucks! And its like, I felt bad because she died when I was really little so it was like, should I even grieve her at all?
Grieving isn’t a linear thing. Yes it happened years ago but sometimes every now and then, I cry. Grief to me ebbs and flows. She’s not here. She’s gone. Just like my friend. Her mom died when she was away at school and like, that sucks. It’s not a great club to be in. If haven’t experienced grief, or maybe know someone going through it, please be kind. If you don’t know what to say, just be honest and say “hey I don’t know what to say but I’m here for you if you want to cry, talk, or vent”. That can take lots of pressure off. Just listen. When I cried a couple weeks ago, I texted my bff and told her look I’m crying. I miss my mom. I’m sorry to bother you but I just had to get this off my chest. She listened and she didn’t;t put any pressure on me. She just told me not to apologize for feeling sad.
What’s grieving like? Being angry, having anxiety, sad as tf, guilty (which I felt today!), illogical thoughts, erratic thinking, being withdrawn, trouble doing minor tasks, health problems (there is such thing as dying of a broken heart). It’s important to know that grief doesn’t last forever, however, there will be moments when like 20 years has passed but it feels like it just happened yesterday. Just be aware of that and try to be understanding when you or a loved one feels overwhelmed by grief.
What can you do about your grief? Well on thing I do is pray. I pray to Jehovah and I pour my heart out to him. In the Bible, it says that God is near those who are brokenhearted and he wants us to pour out our burdens to him. So prayer has been my go to when I can’t text anyone or even get the words out, for God knows our hearts and know what we want even before we say it. He just wants us to go to him. If you have friends and loved ones that you can turn to, please talk to them. If you know someone hurting, reach out to them. The point is to just be open about your feelings and accept help if they offer it to you. Mr. Rogers always said for us to look for the helpers. Also, make sure to get plenty of rest and exercise. Whatever you, try not to start any self-destructive habits. That will only cause more problems and you do not want to deal with something else that was avoidable AND your grief. Something else that helped me tremendously was therapy. Going to therapy has helped me soo much! Also, try to think of the great memories you had with your loved one. You can find more ways to deal with grief here.
There are seven stages of grief: shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is something I want to clarify. Again, grief is not linear. You can feel all the stages back to back, or throughout many years. You can even experience these stages out of order. Grief is tricky. I’m so grateful for my aunt because she gave me a great book of my mom and what she was like. That was really sweet of her. I’m not negating the role that she or my grandmother have done in my life and for helping to raise me. Its just not the same. Their name is not Catrena Vanessa Christie.
For those who are grieving the loss of a mother, the loss of a baby or pregnancy, or maybe have a toxic mother in your life, I’m praying for you. My heart goes out to those who were in foster care or adopted and never met their mother. Maybe they are looking for their mothers and feel hurt that they haven’t found her yet. We’re in this together. For those who find this day agonizing, I see you and I feel your hurt.