As you may or may not know, I am a hopeless romantic. I love love. However, I’ve never actually been in a relationship. Like ever. Am I okay with that? To be honest, no! I want nothing more than to be married and starting a family. Every year I always say that my goal for the new year is to get a boyfriend. Hell last year, my goal was to just go on one little date. Did I make that goal? No. This year, I said the same thing. I said that I’d like to go on a date at least by the end of the year. Well last month, I actually went on a date! I was so shocked and blown away that I actually went on one date, that I actually started feeling a bit hopeful.
Let me back track a little. As you all know, I am hopelessly in love (unbeknownst to him) with Poke’boy for the past…five or six years. Now that I say it outloud…girl, what? But yes I was hopelessly in love with him. I’m still deep down inside in love with him. Anyway, he’s a friend of mine so I don’t want to ruin anything by telling him how I feel but honestly, I just want to marry him and have his little babies. Anyway, a friend of mine told me about an app last year called Hinge and she was telling me about how she met her then-boyfriend on their. I thought to myself sure, why not? I had Bumble on my phone once but deleted it because I’m not comfortable with making the first moves on guys. So at that point, I was just like, hmmm we’ll see. I made my profile and that was it. I barely went on it at all.
During my last bout of depression, I was lonely. I always get lonely around holidays and my birthday, New Years, like any holiday that normally people surrounds themselves with loved ones. When I went home for my uncle’s funeral, one of my cousins suggested I read a book that helped her get married. Well first she asked if I still like white guys and I rolled my eyes and said yes. So when I went back to Orlando, she sent me a book called Why Am I Not Married? Offended? Fuck yeah. I didn’t bother reading it. Then in January she sent me another book called The Rules, which I must admit, I was intrigued because I’ve heard an influencer on Instagram say she used that book in her leveling up journey and it showed her how a man should treat you and how you’re supposed to act around a man, especially one that you’re dating. It took me a while to read that one because I was reading my own book called Swirling: How to Date, Mate, and Relate Mixing Race, Culture, and Creed. I was pretty excited because well for one, I like white guys…well white and hispanic guys really. So I thought it would give me some great incite, which it did. It helped me to see what I could possibly expect when in an interracial relationship.
My cousin kept asking me to read The Rules so when I finally got around to actually reading it, I was disgusted to say the least. Now I will say this, there are some good points to the book, like making sure we have a hobby, and not putting down a man and making him feel like less than and to make sure we’re not the ones chasing after a man. That stuff I get. but the stuff like telling women to put on lipstick to go jogging? No m’am Pam. So needless to say, I hated that book.In the meantime, I’ve been on Hinge and some prospects seemed great but so far have gotten nowhere. I mean I did meet one guy on there, one that I went on the date with but I wasn’t really feeling him like that.
I was just thinking the other day about why was it that dating (at least for me) seems hard. Like I don’t get it. Is it supposed to be hard work when dating? I know one thing for sure that’s held me back a lot in dating is my fear: fear of being alone, rejected, and unlovable. I haven’t had much luck in the romance department since like ever so sorry if I sound like a negative Nancy. I mean anyone who I’ve had a slight romantic situation with was not real. Like Danny was just a fuck boy. He got what he wanted out of me and like an idiot I obliged. I thought, at the time, that I deserve to be treated any better. Then there’s Nick who out of his mouth told me that we would never be in a relationship no matter what happened between us. I thought I could change his mind (like a dummy) and eventually saw that he used me because my self-esteem was really low. Again, I believed I had to take what I could get at that point. Then there’s my current crush who at one point I put so much pressure on him to take care of me emotionally when he wasn’t my boyfriend (and I feel really guilty for that). He once stopped talking to me for three weeks (three long weeks) and eventually, I learned to stop leaning on him so much emotionally (and if you’re reading this, I’m sorry). I mean obviously we’ve been cool since then but still, it wasn’t fair of me to do that to him.
Thank God for growth. I’m not in that mind frame anymore and I wouldn’t want to wish that on my worst enemy. I’m putting the pieces of me back together, but still, I’m lonely. Again, I know I say date yourself and do all the things you want a man to do for you to just do it yourself but man oh man is it lonely. Sometimes I want to be taken out on a date. Sometimes I want a guy to buy me flowers, go to the fair with me, hell have sex with. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with having a little romance in your life.
Alas, here I am. Sitting in my room with my cat, Gryffindor, wishing I was in a relationship. I guess I’ll try to be patient, however, I got some Rose Quartz crystals, some affirmation cards, a journal I write down all of my manifestations in. And I’m still hopping on the Hinge app every now and then. I still have hope that one day me and Poke’boy will go on a date, get married, and maybe pop out two kids together. A girl can dream.
Am I hopeless? You think theres hope for me? Hell, any dating tips? Is love meant to be this hard?