I’m finally ready to talk about how crappy my last month well the last two months were for me. It never fails. For the past two years it seems like the last two months of the year is just trash for me, mentally and emotionally. As you ma or may not know, my uncle died. Dealing with the death of a family member is never really easy. I’m not going to say that I was absolutely devastated but I was still sad for the circumstances of it all.
I was also dealing with feelings of loneliness. Its no secret that I’m single and man does it suck (especially during the holidays). I was really hoping to have a boyfriend by the end of the year (still got hope for Poke’boy). Or at least I wanted to go on a date (just one date people) but that never happened. So I really honestly felt sad from that as well. And yes I know, it’s important to date yourself and do all the things you would want your partner to do for you for yourself but sometimes a girl just wants to go out and be treated to something special sometimes dammit! My roomie/good girl friend Karina is really nice and invites mr to some of her outings with her boo but let’s face it, being the third wheel can really suck sometime.
The kicker for me last year (can’t believe i’m saying those words) was that I was asked to leave my position THE SAME DAY as I got the news that my uncle had just died. Y’all, do y’all have any idea how devastated I felt? Truth be told, I was miserable at my job. I found myself taking more and more personal days just to avoid going in. I wasn’t;t connecting with the majority of the students. I mean don’t get me wrong, I had a handful of students that was near and dear to my heart but the majority just gave me a hard time. Maybe they gave up on me. I know for sure I gave up on them (just being honest here). They wouldn’t listen to me when it came to classroom rules; they wouldn’t do their work (they just flat out ignored me but would get mad that they earned bad grades); I didn’t know how to reach them plus I kept doing terrible on my observations.
Now granted, this is my first year so I expected it to be a bit rocky but I was still shocked when the principal was basically like “we did all we could for you and this isn’t working. Either resign from your position now and finish out the semester here and go teach at an elementary school at the start of the year for a fresh start or stay here and not have your contract renewed”. It was like I was between a rock and a hard place. I didn’t know what to do. I will say this though, since I was dreading going to work, I’ve been praying more and more to God about my situation and I was like Jehovah just guide me on what I should do. Should I stay at the school for another year or should I look for a job at a school somewhere else? and thee next day, my principal said what he said to me. Also, I was stressed out about my car situation. You see, my car likes to shut off randomly (even when I’m driving) and the commute to work got scary for me. I’m not kidding. Even when I was driving to work on that last day of school my car shut off on the turnpike!
Anyway, back to how I was depressed. I had still not found a job. I went on one interview and I basically didn’t get the job. I guess they didn’t feel like I can handle the class since they’ve been through two teachers. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise. Who knows! I was not feeling my best after that. I also had to go home and visit with my family during the break and I just couldn’t deal with them knowing my situation. I was crying so much. I felt hopeless. Everything I worked for seemed to be slipping away from me. I mean, I moved out of town for this job and they were asking me to leave? If I already felt like a loser before, I def felt like the scum of the earth then. One of the secretaries at the school stopped by my class before school as out and looked at me and could tell that I wasn’t okay. I mean I failed at a job I wanted so badly!
She told me of a job she lost but that in the meantime between then and her new job, God made a way for her. I thought yeah right! God was not going to do the same for me. That was just a miracle for her. I put on a brave face and went on about my day. At home, again, I was just a broken mess. I started not taking care of myself. I just thought that I might as well just die. I was just going through the motions of the day, many times I just laid in bed and slept and cried. I didn’t workout. I barely ate (I didn’t have much of an appetite). I was just existing. I kept my feelings to myself and prayed and prayed to God. Even when I went home, things weren’t great either. Of course I was lectured and lectured on how I should make changes and level up and just plain old do better. My year was ending in such a piss poor state that I just wanted to end it all! My faith was tested!
It was some time after the new year (Maybe Jan. 2nd) that I decided to just apply to any job. I mean I had to pay bills somehow. I cried that day. I made the choice that that was probably my last time visiting my family. I had made up my mind that I was going to kill myself. It broke me. Again, I felt pretty damn broken.Everything felt so hopeless and again and again I would pray for God to help me. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t fun to be around (I had to like apologize to my roomie for not being myself and she understood. I love it when friends can love you through your highs and lows). Even though I made up my mind to kill myself, I still had bills to pay so I continued looking for a job . And then… I got a call back (Finally). I went in for an interview and this week I finalized my paperwork to start teaching on Tuesday. Finally things were turning around.
Something else I worried about was the bills I’d have to pay. Well yesterday, I checked the mail and saw that I had a paycheck from my last district (a FULL PAYCHECK). Y’all! Jehovah really came through for a girl. I just had to have faith. Will this next teaching job be great? Who knows?! All I know is, God has my back and he can have your too if you lean on him. Again, I’m not a perfect christian. I’m a sinner. I mess up a lot but he still had me. His love and his grace is so good. He really does gives us undeserved kindness. If you’re in a dark place, you won’t stay there forever. If you lost your faith, pray to God. Ask him to help you with your faith. He’ll do it. I promise. I also decided that I’m going to start going to therapy again. I just need it and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that.