Nessa D

Hey y’all!

First of all, have y’all seen circulating on social media the video of that guy denying service to the racist lady? Its hilarious! If you haven’t seen it yet, you can see it here. Now this post isn’t about this video (although I think everyone should check it out. It’s a great learning opportunity). It’s what he said in the clip that resonated with me: It’s above me now. In the video the lady repeatedly pleaded with him (after she was racist btw) and her pleas fell on deaf ears and he simply responded to her by saying Its above me now and Its above me. As he kept saying that phrase, I thought to myself man he’s right! Along with that, for the past week or so, I’ve been seeing posts on Instagram and blog posts about haters or people not liking you and after seeing that and then on Sunday going on twitter and seeing that video clip, I felt like it was just a sign from the universe.

Recently, I experienced something that triggered this response. In one of my recent blog posts, I talked about how I didn’t want to go to my family reunion and be around some toxic family members. Well one of them saw my post and wrote me a “nice” little text message basically letting me know she didn’t appreciate me calling them toxic. I mean…truth hurts. Don’t get me wrong. Its not like we never had any fun moments or anything like that but towards the end of the friendship, I started noticing things that just didn’t sit well with me and I didn’t feel like i was able to discuss my feelings with her without an argument (and I HATE confrontation).

I’m not saying I was right all the time, but if someone has a problem apologizing or even acknowledging his or her faults and has to be right all the time, there’s a problem! If you’re giving more than the other person is giving, there’s a problem! If you ask the person to not agree but respect the choices you make in life and the person says no, there’s a problem! If the thought of the person makes you roll your eyes, there’s a problem. Am I saying that you can’t have disagreements with your friends? No! Thats totally normal. Am I saying that friends can’t have come to Jesus moments with you and tell you the truth about things? No! In fact, that means that you care and respect that person. My bff Nkem (blogger over at For Tha Masses) is a prime example of this. She tells me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. I can be super vulnerable with her and I trust her to give her honest thoughts and opinions and not talk about me behind my back. When she’s felt like she’s offended me or was too harsh, she’d apologize. There’s no gaslighting involved. There’s no judgement there. Just pure love.

A great tip that I’ve learned over time was to ask myself is this advice coming from a place of love? That question has helped me so much whenever I hear something that maybe didn’t sit well with me or something that I just didn’t agree with. Another quote that I think of is one from Cara Alwill Leyba. She has a quote that says: you won’t be everyone’s glass of champagne. Thats so true. Its not mandatory that every person on this earth likes you. It won’t kill you if someone says your writing sucks or is just down right nasty to you. It’s oaky. The people who are meant to be in your life and in your circle will come. If it means you have to sit and re-evaluate the people and the things in your life, that’s fine. Don’t feel bad about it. Here’s a fact: people change. This could be positive and negative. If you’re elevating your life or you see yourself going in a different direction from your friend, that’s okay. You don’t to be so similar that you’re clones of each other. Its fine to have differences but if at the end of the day, you feel you can’t pick up the phone and just talk to each other about things, then maybe the friendship has ran its course.

I’ve experienced that and while its bittersweet, it’s just a part of life. Friendships grow apart. Do you hate that person? I hope not! But don’t feel sad or down that your friendship with someone isn’t what it once was. If you have to unfollow or delete the person on social media, do it and don’t feel bad about it. You don’t owe an explanation (unless you really want to). I’ve seen friendships that has survived the test of time and have been to hell and back. Those are some really special ones but you really have to sit back and evaluate who you are, who you want to be, and if this friendship aligns with it. Below is a list of some things to ponder on if you’re feeling yourself going through a rough patch with a friend. Really be honest with yourself when you answer these questions for yourself.

Signs of a toxic friend

• They’re jealous
• They make you feel insecure
• You dread them
• You have to be careful around them
• They criticize you
• They tell you that you need to change
• Your body starts to react
• You give more than you get
• You know they talk s**t about you
• You don’t like who you are or how you act when around them

You are more amazing than you know. You’re stronger than you now. You’re smarter than you know. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Think about the advice you’ll give a friend in your situation. Ask yourself where the advice, critique, or what have you is coming from. And remember, not everyone will like you or have your back. Look to those who celebrate you and who encourage you. It’s so ironic that I post this on National BFF Day (it wasn’t planned I promise). Find your tribe.

Love and light,

LolaDasher