Today is Mother’s Day and I want to say happy Mother’s Day to all the pet moms, step moms, human baby moms, adoptive moms, grandmas, all the mamas out there; even those who mother figures to those who are motherless. I’m so happy I can celebrate this Mother’s Day as a pet mom (I want some human babies most def in the near future). Today is actually bittersweet for me. Its sweet because like I said previously, I’m a cat mom now so that’s pretty exciting. Its bitter because my mom isn’t here. She passed away when I was very young. In fact, this past April 26th, was the 25 anniversary of her death.
25 years! Can you believe that? I honestly felt like it wouldn’t affect me but one day I cried. I did’t expect to cry so when the tears started to run my cheeks, I immediately told myself to stop it! I texted a friend who lost her mother as well so I knew she’ll understand how I felt. I told her that I was sad because I wish she was here for my moments. I just recently (like in march) got some great news and I’m super excited! But like she’s not here! So it kind of put a damper on things for me. I also started thinking about all the moments that I won’t have with her. When I get married or have children. When I buy my first home. When I start my teaching job. She’s not going to be there for those moments and it sucks. One of my cousins even told me that she (my mom) was really sad about dying and not being around for me to go to prom and of course, those other life moments as well.
One of my favorite things to do is to hear stories about her. I remember my godmother took me to her gravesite a few years ago and we just sat and she told me stories about their wild times as teenagers. One of the stories she told me of was when she found out she was pregnant with my brother. They were teenagers at the time and they just took a pregnancy test just for fun. My godmother wasn’t pregnant and she was bragging. However, my mom was and started to panic. My godmother chuckled now because well it did sound funny the way she said it. She also told me about my mom’s relationship with my dad and how it wasn’t the most positive situation she was in. My aunt once told me stories about her as well. For instance, she told me that one of my mom’s favorite things to do was get her nails done.
From what I’ve heard from others about her, its crazy how much we’re alike! She didn’t even raise me and I still ended up with her traits. I’m pretty sure it worried my grandmother when I was growing up but literally she had nothing to worry about (I was such an awkward kid and a huge nerd). She was really strict with me and of course I didn’t like it. I still don’t think its fair how I was pretty much punished for my mom’s mistakes. What I found interesting is the different perspectives that I got between my aunt (her younger sister) and my godmother. For example, from what my aunt said about her, it sounded like she was a spoiled daddy’s girl. From what my grandmother said about her, it sounded like her heart was so big and full and was fun loving.
Here are some facts about my mother:
- She wanted to name me Christie
- She was my grandfather’s favorite child
- She had a very big heart
- She gave her love to the wrong man
I love reflecting on what type of person she would’ve been had she still been alive now. She was 28 years old when she died (so young!) and it makes me really sad. She had her whole life ahead of her and it was taken away from her. Since I was raised going to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I believe that we’ll be together again in Paradise. That hope gives me comfort. All I can do now is live in a way that would make her proud. I’ll try to visit her grave (and my grandpa’s grave) more often and just sit and be still. Ponder on things. I love her and miss her dearly.
Anyone out there who’s mother has passed away or no longer in your life, just remember that you are not alone. If certain people haven’t experienced this type of grief its hard to understand. Someone once asked me if it was better to lose a parent young or older and to that I’d say its neither. Losing a parent sucks. Let’s just be honest. It’s how we move forward is all that matters. The hurt doesn’t go away. Neither does memories. Cherish your memories or stories that you have of them. I really do appreciate the women who I’ve had in my life who’s been mother figures to me. I’m grateful that God has brought them in my life when I needed them. In the words of Mister Rogers, “look for the helpers”. Remember those in your life who are making a difference. No one can replace a mother’s love but they can give you comfort.
I hope you guys have a great rest of your day.
You Are My Friend by Patti Labelle was my mom’s favorite song to her bestie (my godmother)